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Can You Keep A Secret?

Can You Keep A Secret?

 

Can You Keep a Secret?

Can you keep a secret?

I’m going to step way out of my comfort zones. Either I’m being brave enough to share something really personal, or I’ve temporarily lost my mind. If you are a personal friend, don’t comment. πŸ™‚

On Monday, I’m having my left eye cut open, to try and save what’s left of the sight. I had surgery two years ago and it wasn’t fun. Nothing would numb me, so I felt everything. The placement of the speculum, or whatever it’s called that opens the eye very wide. The cutting of the tissue. the placement of the drainage system, sewing it all up again…all of it.

It was gross. Horrifying. Painful. Freaky. And a long time in healing. And the medication drops are turning my eyes from blue to green!

Eyeball Up Close and Personal

Do I sound like a whiner? Actually, there have been many worse things happen to my body. A brain tumor. Three miscarriages. A lung tumor. A botched shoulder surgery. Kidney problems. Abdominal surgery. Flat lining and pacemaker placement. I could keep right on, but you’d yawn and …. my point is this:Β  None of these things is as freaky to me as the eye surgery.

So – staying on top of the little fears that keep me from fully trusting has been harder.

I don’t readily share this kind of stuff. But maybe it’s okay…. because we’re all scared a little bit, sometimes. And writing just might help the remnants of worry wander right on out of me. I’d rather have inspiration than insecurities, any day.

Inspiration Over Insecurities!

Each time a very scary thing has popped up in my life, there has been a way to find goodness. Focusing on positives has given me that extra bit of Something that brought peace. It has helped lots this time around, too.

Here are a few wonderful things I’m trying to focus on:

  • I have a wonderful, superb doctor who wants to help me, as best he can. He is attentive and thoughtful. And this time, he says he will do whatever is necessary to make sure I feel nothing during the surgery. Phew.
  • I have a wonderful husband who stays right by my side, and is willing to do whatever is necessary to help me through these kinds of things. In a caring, sincerely loving way with strength that comes from his own faith that he adds to mine. Awesome.
  • I have a family who cares and thinks of me, and prays for me. Dear friends whose sweet kindness lifts me.
  • Heaven is more near than I can see. I feel the love. I sense the blessings.
  • Little shiny things come to mind that remind me I’m gonna be okay, whatever happen:Β  A song. A scripture. A comment that sounds like something my mom or dad would say, were they here in the flesh.

Here in the flesh… Maybe that’s the most humbling [and wonderful] thing of all. Despite the many times of health crisis or accident that ‘should have’ taken me out of here, I’m still here. Healing always comes. Where there is not total healing of body, the Lord compensates in ways that I do not understand, but I feel.

I gain courage from Marie Curie’s understanding:

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

And from this one from Brendan Francis:

Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.

I’m so HAPPY to be able to see. Grateful for medical care that can so often help. I’m working on taking courageous steps. I like that I have opportunities to gain more understanding. And to increase gratitude. Even when it’s sometimes hard. Just because the optical pressure is really high, there’s no need for the pressure to build in my heart or soul, right?

Gratitude

Now that I must wear sunglasses – even inside my house on a particularly bright day – now that most of the visual field in one eye has closed in – now that I can only use these eyes for short periods of time to read or write, I’m So Grateful for my vision. We can send a lot of ‘fear’ packing when we’re able to live in thanksgiving to our God who gives us everything we have:

Β Live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings that (God) doth bestow upon you.

[Alma 34:38]

Even though my trust level in God is pretty high, it’s not total. I think He needs me to get to the pinnacle, or the bottom of the barrel, depending on how you look at it. So that my trust becomes full and whole and total. Someday. Sooner would be better than later.

I usually keep the tough stuff to myself. One procedure impacts the function of other parts of my body, and … I just don’t like dwelling on it, or talking about it.

Sharing Can Help

But today, I figured I’d share this little secret – that I need to have this next surgery and I’m kinda scared. I guess that’s okay, as long as I keep working on trust and recognizing Divine assistance. And sharing all my feelings with the One who most loves me.

I know some of you are going through much harder things. I’m sorry. I love you. I pray for your well-being, for your strength, and for your healing.

I hope that the unnerving things in your life won’t keep you down. That you can look upward and take the next step. That you know Father in Heaven is aware of you. And that it’s okay – I think – that we sometimes are a little scared. The Lord is in the business of helping us when we are feeling too weak to help ourselves. And in boosting us every time we’re ready to take a little tiny step forward.

That’s true goodness. And goodness matters.

 

 

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24 Comments

  1. Love, hugs and prayers for your successful surgery!!

    Reply
    • Thank you, Helen. So very much! Tomorrow, once the surgery is done, I get to begin healing. So — that’s a good thing. πŸ™‚ Love, Vickey

      Reply
  2. Vickey,
    You have been my courage and my strength. Now it is time for me to be yours.
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Love, Diane

    Reply
    • Dear precious Diane,
      Thank you. I heard your voice message today, and it brought tears to my eyes. Your words mean a great deal, and I am grateful for you. Love, Vickey

      Reply
  3. Vickey, I love you and love that you have given so much to so many on so many days. I understand your “little bit of scaredness,” and my sweet friend you are in my prayers. It’s okay to be a little scared….heck, it’s okay to be a LOT scared. As much of an angel as you are, you are human and being scared is just being human. I KNOW the faith you have in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Even more importantly, so do they. I am hating being 2000 miles away from you. I wish I could be there to hold your hand, and to see your smile when you wake up from the surgery. I will be busy with prayers just for you when I go to sleep Sunday night and when I awaken Monday morning. Please have Andrea post on Monday your progress<3 Hugs and smooches to you, dear friend! ~Debbie

    Reply
    • You make me smile, Debbie. Thank you, friend. I will ask Andrea to keep you in the loop. I know if you were close by, you’d be right here. But, you will be in spirit. I thank you for that. I know I’ll be watched over and that all will be well. I know it. πŸ™‚ Love you, Vickey

      Reply
  4. You are amazing πŸ™‚ I send all my courage your direction. I know a little bit about how scary these things can be. Heavenly Father Loves you!!!

    Reply
    • Thank you, dear Trina. I’m appreciative of the courage. πŸ™‚ It’ll be okay… I’m trusting this time around will be much better than the first. And I genuinely believe it will be. It has to be, with faithful friends and family exercising their faith in my behalf. I’m pretty humbled, and grateful. Thank you! xo

      Reply
  5. Mama!

    Thanks for this!

    I honestly had to take a few courageous steps a few months back and FINALLY voice my greatest fear. After my tumor and the life scare that came from that my physical body started the healing process but my emotional and spiritual body didn’t get treated at all. About a year after, when more, and crazy complications started, I was SO afraid. Beyond afraid. Afraid of what? I was too ashamed to tell anyone my fears for a long long time – why? Because “fear is the opposite of faith” right? Finally I broke and admitted to my husband and a 2 others whom I consider my “parents” that I am afraid of DYING!!! I have TOO MUCH TO DO still in this mortal life – TOO MANY GOOD THINGS! I hated admitting my fear of death but in some ways it has totally freed me…just talking about it to people. I have crossed a bridge that kept me from progressing by simply voicing my truly greatest fear. Now I can move on!

    I have decided that it’s okay to have fear, fear and faith CAN and DO somehow co-exist in my life, all on different levels and in different circumstances. I don’t understand it completely but I FEEL it!

    I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I honestly carry you with me all of the time and feel the pain of not being able to be together ever.

    I am glad you posted this. It helps others – MANY people are suffering and needed to read this. You are always in my thoughts and in my prayers. I will be praying for you dear one!

    Loves!

    Reply
    • I love you, little Miss Kara πŸ™‚ I understand the words you wrote… having been there on several occasions, actually. Not wanting to say anything because “I have to be stronger than this.” Pish Posh, I now say. πŸ™‚ I”m grateful you are healing emotionally, etc. You are wonderful. Be well. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. Bug huge hugs, other daughter. πŸ™‚

      Reply
  6. Oh Vickey – So sorry you have to go through this… and so awed by your honesty and eloquence and insight, and by your continued need to lift others, reach out to others, and do what the Lord wants to you do while you deal with some really crummy stuff. Wow. If there is a way that your friends can lighten your burden in the process of you sharing it like this, then I want to be a part of making that happen.
    So… You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t a bit scared about Monday. I would be. I had a pretty serious eye injury once, and I know how much it hurts. A LOT. Had to live with my eyes closed for several days, and sure appreciated them when it was over and I could open my eyes and see again. Nothing on the scale of what you’re facing, but enough of a glimpse that I will be able to pray for you with extra fervency!
    No idea why this is happening to you, but I listened to Saturday conference talks again today
    (http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/mountains-to-climb?lang=eng),
    and this sounds like a bit of a Liberty Jail for you. I’ll pray your Balm in Gilead arrives quickly and in large doses. And I do know…. that you’ll continue to be blessed for all the ways you love and serve, and the example you set and the lives you touch. I feel blessed that I can call you my friend – even though we have had so little time together to nurture our friendship. The internet has helped bridge that gap!
    And now it is helping the folks in your life unite in prayer for your health and healing. Those are both very good things! Hugs to you!
    Alison

    Reply
    • So precious of you, Alison. Thank you. Just really grateful for the goodness we get to learn, along with the hard stuff. πŸ™‚
      love you!

      Reply
  7. Vickey, I’m so sorry you have to go through this ! What you have written is so beautiful & uplifting. Even though you may not want to admit your fear, you’re human, as we all are. Admitting it & sharing it with those who love you has hopefully helped you in some way. Now we can all be praying for you & sending our love for your successful healing ! Bill had to have a rather serious eye surgery last summer & afterwards, had to keep his head down 24 hrs a day for 8 days. It was very scary ! But he did fine & his eye is fine & I just know that yours will be too. Will be thinking of you & praying for you, Vickey !!

    Reply
    • Eileen– Thank you so very much. It’s so kind of you to write. I’m glad to know Bill is doing great. Hopefully, this time around will be much better and healing will take place quickly. The thoughts and prayers – I’m so grateful for them. Love to you, Eileen!

      Reply
  8. Vickey,
    You are such an inspiration to me and have been since I was a very young girl. Thank you for sharing this with me. Your strength and faith encourages all who read it and all who know you. You will be in my prayers! Love you!!!

    Love, Kristi

    Reply
    • Awwww, Kristi –
      I’ve loved you since you were a young girl. Thank you! I’ll take those prayers, and will be grateful for them. I appreciate, so very much, your kind words. Love you,
      Vickey

      Reply
  9. Wow, you really have been through a lot! You have every right to be a bit nervous- though by now I guess it’s over. I hope it went well and you are healing nicely. You have such a great outlook on life. So inspiring.
    I’m glad that when I had cancer I was a totally naive kid and honestly wasn’t all that scared by it. It didn’t occur to me until years later that I could have had serious issues or even died from it. Childlike faith is the way to go I tell ya! It really worked well for me. ( :

    Reply
    • Dear darling Holly,
      Thank you so much. I know that you ‘know’ what it’s like to go through hard things. I agree that childlike faith is the way to go…. and a great deal of patience. It’s nice to finally be able to use these eyes again – for a short period daily- online. Thank you for writing…. I’m healing and it’s all good. πŸ™‚

      Reply
  10. Dear Vicky:
    ‘Trusting that all went well today and that whatever the future brings, you’ll use your big beautiful, spiritual eyes to see more clearly than ever. You are a remarkable woman, and I feel so blessed to call you my friend. Now if only I could make the font on this 72 and REALLY bold!!!
    Love, your fuzzy-eyed sister, @nne

    Reply
    • Dear Anne- I love you. Thank you. It’s good to be reading these messages… and I send great thanks for yours. I feel blessed to call you friend, too. I love your idea of a size 72 font. πŸ™‚ xoxoxo

      Reply
  11. I’m not supposed to respond but…I am just going to say how much I love you and how grateful I am for ALL that you have taught me. “Greater faith hath no man.” You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!
    Heidi

    Reply
    • Dear Heidi-
      You can respond any ol time, for any thing! I”m so happy to be able to be online for a little bit at the time… and it’s uplifting to catch up on the kind comments written… certainly, yours included. Love you!

      Reply
  12. wow! you are an amazing person! What an example of strength, graititude and humility you are!! Thank you soo much for your words and sharing your story. You will be in my prayers.

    Reply
    • Danielle- Thank you for writing. I appreciate your prayers a lot! I’m just now venturing back online- for short periods of time. Eventually, I can get back into the total groove. πŸ™‚ Thanks for your kind words – they mean a great deal. xoxo

      Reply

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