Can you keep a secret?
I’m going to step way out of my comfort zones. Either I’m being brave enough to share something really personal, or I’ve temporarily lost my mind. If you are a personal friend, don’t comment. 🙂
On Monday, I’m having my left eye cut open, to try and save what’s left of the sight. I had surgery two years ago and it wasn’t fun. Nothing would numb me, so I felt everything. The placement of the speculum, or whatever it’s called that opens the eye very wide. The cutting of the tissue. the placement of the drainage system, sewing it all up again…all of it.
It was gross. Horrifying. Painful. Freaky. And a long time in healing. And the medication drops are turning my eyes from blue to green!
Do I sound like a whiner? Actually, there have been many worse things happen to my body. A brain tumor. Three miscarriages. A lung tumor. A botched shoulder surgery. Kidney problems. Abdominal surgery. Flat lining and pacemaker placement. I could keep right on, but you’d yawn and …. my point is this: None of these things is as freaky to me as the eye surgery.
So – staying on top of the little fears that keep me from fully trusting has been harder.
I don’t readily share this kind of stuff. But maybe it’s okay…. because we’re all scared a little bit, sometimes. And writing just might help the remnants of worry wander right on out of me. I’d rather have inspiration than insecurities, any day.
Each time a very scary thing has popped up in my life, there has been a way to find goodness. Focusing on positives has given me that extra bit of Something that brought peace. It has helped lots this time around, too.
Here are a few wonderful things I’m trying to focus on:
- I have a wonderful, superb doctor who wants to help me, as best he can. He is attentive and thoughtful. And this time, he says he will do whatever is necessary to make sure I feel nothing during the surgery. Phew.
- I have a wonderful husband who stays right by my side, and is willing to do whatever is necessary to help me through these kinds of things. In a caring, sincerely loving way with strength that comes from his own faith that he adds to mine. Awesome.
- I have a family who cares and thinks of me, and prays for me. Dear friends whose sweet kindness lifts me.
- Heaven is more near than I can see. I feel the love. I sense the blessings.
- Little shiny things come to mind that remind me I’m gonna be okay, whatever happen: A song. A scripture. A comment that sounds like something my mom or dad would say, were they here in the flesh.
Here in the flesh… Maybe that’s the most humbling [and wonderful] thing of all. Despite the many times of health crisis or accident that ‘should have’ taken me out of here, I’m still here. Healing always comes. Where there is not total healing of body, the Lord compensates in ways that I do not understand, but I feel.
I gain courage from Marie Curie’s understanding:
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
And from this one from Brendan Francis:
Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.
I’m so HAPPY to be able to see. Grateful for medical care that can so often help. I’m working on taking courageous steps. I like that I have opportunities to gain more understanding. And to increase gratitude. Even when it’s sometimes hard. Just because the optical pressure is really high, there’s no need for the pressure to build in my heart or soul, right?
Now that I must wear sunglasses – even inside my house on a particularly bright day – now that most of the visual field in one eye has closed in – now that I can only use these eyes for short periods of time to read or write, I’m So Grateful for my vision. We can send a lot of ‘fear’ packing when we’re able to live in thanksgiving to our God who gives us everything we have:
Live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings that (God) doth bestow upon you.
Even though my trust level in God is pretty high, it’s not total. I think He needs me to get to the pinnacle, or the bottom of the barrel, depending on how you look at it. So that my trust becomes full and whole and total. Someday. Sooner would be better than later.
I usually keep the tough stuff to myself. One procedure impacts the function of other parts of my body, and … I just don’t like dwelling on it, or talking about it.
But today, I figured I’d share this little secret – that I need to have this next surgery and I’m kinda scared. I guess that’s okay, as long as I keep working on trust and recognizing Divine assistance. And sharing all my feelings with the One who most loves me.
I know some of you are going through much harder things. I’m sorry. I love you. I pray for your well-being, for your strength, and for your healing.
I hope that the unnerving things in your life won’t keep you down. That you can look upward and take the next step. That you know Father in Heaven is aware of you. And that it’s okay – I think – that we sometimes are a little scared. The Lord is in the business of helping us when we are feeling too weak to help ourselves. And in boosting us every time we’re ready to take a little tiny step forward.
That’s true goodness. And goodness matters.